Can you brainwash yourself to become more confident? The answer is yes! I know because that’s what I did to become super confident. I used to be so shy, timid and insecure that my parents sent me to a military boarding school at 9 years old to toughen me up. Guess what? It didn’t work. I just ended up even more insecure because I was bullied by people way older than me.
You’re probably wondering, why should I brainwash myself? Well, because society is already working overtime to brainwash you. Every piece of content you consume is hacking into your subconscious and influencing how you feel about yourself.
95% of all human brain activity is subconscious, so that explains why 60% of people feel worse about themselves after scrolling through social media. You can’t leave your confidence to chance because the world isn’t designed to make you more confident. If you want to become more confident, you have to take charge of your own life and lead the way. That brings me to my first point:
1. I visualized my dream life
When I was 25 years old, I hit rock bottom. I was in a bad relationship with someone I didn’t love because I felt like I couldn’t get what I really wanted. I had just graduated with a law degree but the thought of going to court for the rest of my life gave me a migraine. I was miserable and I had no idea what to do with my life. One day, my crappy boyfriend came to visit me in my cousin’s house and I was complaining about how badly he was treating me.
My cousin overheard me and after my boyfriend left, he told me “Why are you begging that guy when you deserve so much better? You have to break up with him.” That conversation made me think long and hard about the life of my dreams and how far I was from it. I realized that I had the power to design my life and that nothing I wanted was beyond my reach. So I sat down and began to visualize what I really wanted for myself.
Who was my highest, most confident self? What were her habits? What did an ideal day in her life look like?
My ideal self definitely wouldn’t date jokers so I broke up with the guy I was dating. Next level Jola would also not waste her life doing work she hated. So I started taking photography classes and bought my first camera. Eventually, I got a job in radio and built a very successful media career where I met so many interesting people. Everyday, I am making choices that are leading me towards the life of my dreams. And you can too.
The first thing you need to do to become more confident is to visualize and imagine who you really want to be. Low self-esteem and lack of confidence usually come from being out of alignment with who you truly want to be. So start here. Sit with the picture of your dream life because you can’t get to your destination until you know exactly where you’re going.
2. I accepted myself
I went on my first diet when I was 13 years old. My hips had become very big and I was already getting a lot of attention which I hated so much. So I spent years and years trying to be like the skinny, blonde women I saw on cable TV. It didn’t help that the guy I liked at the time was interested in a biracial girl with beautiful hair. I wanted bigger boobs, lighter skin, straight waist-length hair. Basically I wanted to be the opposite of who I really was and gosh was I miserable.
After I hit rock bottom I realized that hating myself would never get me to the life of my dreams. I understood that my unique qualities were given to me for a reason and I needed to embrace them if I wanted to live my best life. I would never be Nadia the Nigerian-Russian girl even though I tried to change my name to Natasha Lol. I would always be Jola, one-of-a-kind, spectacular Jola, and all I could do was become the best Jola possible.
It seems counterproductive, but honestly, the key to changing your life completely is to accept yourself. I love the quote by Carl Rogers that says “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I change.” Lasting change happens when you accept yourself, then love yourself and approach all change from that mindset.
3. I fixed my thoughts
Let’s pause for a minute and consider what it really means to brainwash yourself. According to the Cambridge Dictionary, to brainwash means to make someone believe something by repeatedly telling them that it is true and preventing other information from reaching them. The Oxford Dictionary says it’s to make (someone) adopt radically different beliefs by using systematic and often forcible pressure.
So how do you do this? Well, let me tell you how I did it. When my life was a mess, I realized that my inner critic was out of control. My major thoughts were “you’re fat,” “you’re ugly,” “everybody hates you,” “who do you think you are?” etc.
Basically, my life was a mess because my thoughts were a mess.
Your life will always move in the direction of your dominant thoughts. I knew I had to start telling myself new stories if I wanted to become confident. So I did.
I designed affirmations based on the Bible and started to say to myself what God said about me. Scriptures like “ I am God’s crown jewel,” “I am God’s masterpiece,” “I can do all things through Christ,” “God is on my side so I’m unstoppable,” “Everything is always working for my good,” became my mantras. I meditated on these words and developed new beliefs about myself and my potential.
Replacing the wild thoughts running through my mind with healthy thoughts completely changed my life. I’m also very deliberate about refusing contrary information. If someone tries to come at me with negativity, I immediately redirect them and remind myself about the truth of who I am. If you want to become more confident, you need to tame your inner critic by feeding it new and positive information so you can design new beliefs and ultimately, a new identity.
You can build the life of your dreams by becoming more confident. To increase your chances of success, check out my video on how to become your most confident self in five days.