I moved to Abuja in October 2019 after years of dreaming and planning. It was supposed to be the city of my dreams. Instead, it became the place where I battled the demons of my past all over again.
Kamal and I worked in the same office space and he was larger than life. I ignored him at first because I love to work in silence. However, one day we met in the kitchen and we hit it off. He invited me out to lunch and it turned out he lived near my house so we started to ride home together.
I’m generally oblivious to how attractive I am, so I didn’t notice when the switch happened for Kamal. I didn’t expect anything to happen because he was a serious Muslim and I was a serious Christian. Then one day, I wore a short dress to the office and he stared at me the whole day and sent me compliments on WhatsApp. I’ve always been a sucker for sweet words, especially when they are well punctuated, so I started to pay attention to Kamal.
Falling for an addict
Initially, I was just curious. I’d been single for a while so his adoration was flattering. Then it gradually became something more. One day, I found myself in Kamal’s house watching him arrange his custom-made drug paraphernalia. He wasn’t trying to hide who he was from me, so I watched it all. I should never have returned, but I did, again and again.
Drugs have never been a temptation for me because I’m an overthinker. I always consider likely consequences before taking an action. It’s a blessing and a curse. However, watching Kamal made me understand the initial allure these substances have. You see someone using and they seem to escape to a world without pain. Unfortunately, you don’t stick around to see them crash so you think to yourself “I want some of that.” I saw Kamal’s joys, but I also saw his pain.
The first time we tried to have sex, he couldn’t get it up, because drugs will kill your body as well as your soul. He asked me if I didn’t mind him using porn and for 30 seconds, I couldn’t answer. I just sat there and wondered how I had sunk so low. How was Jola, the prayer warrior/ prophet who God had used to work miracles, now sitting in a dark room about to have sex with an addict? How did I go from being celibate for five years and turning down sex with good guys to this?
Where did I go wrong?
My answer came on the Uber ride home: I had gotten cocky. I thought that because I regularly communed with the divine, I was somehow immune to human weaknesses. I thought staying away from sex for five years meant I was now able to control my impulses. I thought that for sure the girl who wrote a whole book about relationship mistakes had become wise enough to stop making them. I was wrong.
I wish I could tell you that making that realization kept me away from Kamal, but it didn’t. He was hooked on drugs and I was hooked on him. It made me understand why people stay in toxic situations, because underneath the chaos, there’s a real person who sometimes shines a light in your direction. I loved Kamal’s light. I loved the way he looked at me like I was a double chocolate Oreo milkshake. I loved how he constantly stimulated my mind and gave me new perspectives on life.
The great escape
However, Kamal was bad for me. I was miserable but I knew I couldn’t escape on my own. So I ran to God and asked for help. I can never forget that day in church when through my tears, I heard him say “I’m pleased with you.” There I was in a mess I could’ve avoided and yet he was showering me with affection. Y’all God’s love is the truth, and it helped me find my way.
I decided to move to a new workspace, and I blocked Kamal. He came after me of course, because I’m unforgettable like that. But the chains had already been broken and I was free.
Lessons for you
What’s the lesson for you in all this? First of all, don’t ever think you’re above making the same mistakes again. The shadows of your past errors are walking behind you, hoping that you will step out of the light and give them the chance to overshadow you. Be careful.
Finally, don’t ignore your instincts. I knew Kamal was trouble, I could smell it from a mile away, but I let my curiosity get the better of me. Regardless of how ridiculous it might seem, that still small voice inside you always knows the right path. Pay attention to it.
I learned this lesson at 17 when a misguided friend convinced me to date a random guy. He turned out to be a cultist. I learned it at 25 when my nemesis ex begged for a third chance. I almost failed my bar exams because of him. I learned it for the third time at the big old age of 34 when I chose to hook up with Kamal. I hope I never have to learn it again.
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