I used to be the driver of the independent woman train. I did everything myself and hated asking for help. I was very proud of my independence and never missed a chance to announce that all I needed in this life of sin was me, myself and I. That changed in 2020.
In 2019, I made the decision to move to Abuja. I got an opportunity to work with some people but the details were sketchy and there was no real contract. I knew my family and friends would try to discourage me so I lied like a Yoruba demon till I lost track of which lie I told to who. I was going to Abuja whether they liked it or not.
I can say now that moving to Abuja was a big mistake. I had one trouble after another until I decided to move back home. Turns out my mum knew something was off but because I didn’t really consult her, she let me be. Apparently she had a series of terrifying dreams about my relocation. A close friend of mine was so scared that she and her husband held a prayer meeting for me.
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Before I left Abuja, I had a conversation with my pastor and mid-sentence he asked me a question that is still ringing in my head. He said “Jola why are you so independent?” He wasn’t criticizing me, but it also wasn’t a compliment. What he was really asking was why I took such major decisions without seeking advice. That question made me realize that I had a problem. My independent woman cover was simply a way of hiding my abandonment issues.
I dug deeper and discovered the exact moment I made the decision to never rely on anyone again. I had just finished Law School and gone through my worst breakup. I felt so alone and my future seemed so uncertain. I didn’t think anyone could understand what I was going through. Instead of dealing with my pain in a healthy way, I decided that I would never put myself in a position to be abandoned again. I became my own saviour, and it worked for a while but not anymore.
In 2020, I saw my independence for what it really was, a trauma response. If I never asked anyone for help, it could never be denied me. If I never relied on anyone, I could never be abandoned again. I was taking those major decisions on my own because I thought I was alone and that I didn’t really matter to anyone. It’s amazing what you’ll find hiding beneath the surface if you ask the right questions and do the work.
Obviously, I’m not knocking independence. Everybody should have a healthy dose of self-reliance. However, you might want to take a good look at your actions and make sure they’re coming from a healthy place. Are you really independent, or are you just afraid that you’ll never get the help you need?
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