My friend is dead, so why can’t I delete his number?

I’ve never been able to handle death. The finality of it never registers with me. That’s why when my aunt died of cancer a day after my birthday and in my bedroom, I couldn’t cry. 

When my favourite uncle passed away, I attended his funeral but still couldn’t wrap my head around it. He was so solid. He wasn’t supposed to die. I passed by his house a few days ago and it still didn’t make sense. How does a person just not exist anymore?

My friend Rodney’s death was different. I cried for three days straight. Maybe it’s because we share a birthday, or because he was young, but for some reason his passing crushed me . Rodney and I weren’t even that close. We went to secondary school together and bonded over being born on the same day but that was about it. 

I remembered him on every birthday and we celebrated the last one together. And then just like that, he was gone. I have the photos on my phone. I have the videos he sent me from our hangout telling me it was good to see me again. My last message to him was “I’ll be praying for you” after he shared that he had COVID. I didn’t pray for him. I said I would, but I didn’t. I just assumed he’d be okay.

So now he’s dead but I can’t delete his number. I’ve tried to many times but I always just move on. I scroll past our photos regularly and sometimes I pause. I pause to see if I’ve found the strength to let go, but I haven’t.

How does one do it? How do you accept that a person you cared about is gone forever? That you’ll never see them again or talk to them again? How do you deal with knowing that they will never ever pick up your calls again? How do you just erase their number from your phone like it was never there? Can somebody tell me how?